Love Addiction

What Is Love Addiction?

Love addiction is characterized by compulsive patterns in romance, sexuality and relationships that have harmful consequences for the addict and their partners. Although love addiction may sound less damaging than other addictions, it shares many similarities. The consequences of love addiction may include lost marriages, careers and child custody, as well as health problems such as sexually transmitted diseases. In some cases, stalking, domestic violence and homicide have been reported.

Love addicts are characteristically familiar with desperate hopes and seemingly unending fears. Fearing rejection, pain and unfamiliar experiences, and having little faith in their ability or right to inspire love, they wait, wish, and hope for love, perhaps their least familiar experience.

To understand love addiction, we need look no further than the relationships depicted in books, movies and songs. Our culture glorifies romance and the pursuit of “the one” who will complete us and allow us to live happily ever after. While romance can be a natural and healthy part of relationships, the love addict pursues romance and the “high” of new love without ever developing genuine intimacy and connection.

For love addicts, love:

Is all-consuming and obsessive
Is inhibited
Avoids risk or change
Lacks true intimacy
Is manipulative, strikes deals
Is dependent and parasitic
Demands the loved one’s complete devotion

Causes of Love Addiction

The causes of love addiction are complex and typically rooted in early life experiences. The most prominent factors that contribute to love addiction are childhood neglect or abandonment, rejection, and physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

As a result of insecure attachments in childhood, love addicts may lack confidence and a sense of self. In adolescence or adulthood, they may feel insecure in their bonds with other people and struggle to establish appropriate boundaries. The pursuit of the perfect love may allow the individual to escape into fantasy rather than tolerate a painful reality.

Physiological changes may also contribute to love addiction. Levels of phenylethylamine (PEA)—a chemical in the brain involved in the euphoria that comes with falling in love—rise with feelings of infatuation, boosting euphoria and excitement. Love addicts may become dependent upon the physical and psychological arousal triggered by PEA and other brain chemicals.

Symptoms of Love Addiction

Love addiction isn’t entirely about an endless search for love. Some love addicts sabotage good relationships for fear of getting too close. Others are in unhealthy relationships but cannot let go. While one love addict may be desperate and needy, the other may be controlling and manipulative.

Love addiction can be associated with any of the following patterns:

Difficulty sustaining relationships after the initial excitement wears off
Constantly searching for a newer, better relationship
Feeling unhappy or worthless when alone but scared or dissatisfied when in a relationship
Repeatedly attracting troubled or emotionally unavailable partners
Confusing sex and romance for real love
Escaping feelings of loneliness or unhappiness through sex or relationships
Having multiple affairs
Serial dating
Having anonymous or unprotected sex
Falling “in love” with strangers
Trading sex for love, affection, money or power
Using any means necessary to attract or hold onto a love interest
Inability to set appropriate boundaries
Withdrawing from friends, family, career or interests to focus on a romantic relationship

Are You a Love Addict?

Love addiction can manifest in many different ways. To determine if you may be struggling with love addiction, ask yourself the following questions:

Have you tried unsuccessfully to stay single for a certain period of time?
Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?
Do you feel that you need a relationship to make your life bearable?
Do you believe that someone can “fix” you?
Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are single or away from your romantic partner?
Have you engaged in sex or a relationship regardless of the consequences (e.g., abuse, the threat of being caught, or the risk of contracting an STD)?
Do you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?
Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a romantic partner?
Do you believe that the problems in your love life result from continuing to remain with the “wrong” person?
Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship?
Do you find yourself flirting with or sexualizing someone even if you do not mean to?
Has your romantic behavior affected your reputation?
Do you have difficulty concentrating on other areas of your life because your thoughts are consumed by starting or maintaining a relationship?
Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by romantic pursuits?
Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your search for love and relationships?
Do you fall in and out of love quickly?
Do you feel like you are under a spell or in a daze when you fall in love?
Have partners described you as overly needy, desperate, smothering or jealous?
Do you frequently attract partners who are unable to commit, are untrustworthy or are not good for you?
Have you contemplated suicide when a relationship ended?
Do you have a hard time saying no when you are in a relationship?
Do you change your hobbies, interests, needs and/or beliefs based on the person you are dating?
When you are in a relationship, do you overlook your partner’s faults to perpetuate the fantasy?
Have you had more than one romantic partner at a time, even if it went against your values?
Have you checked up or spied on someone you are in love with?
When you are not in a relationship, do you fantasize about finding the perfect person?

Treatment for Love Addiction

In the past decade, experts have begun to recognize love addiction as a distinct and treatable problem. As a result, treatment options have expanded to include:

Individual, group and family/couples counseling
12-Step support groups such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
Outpatient programs
Residential sex and love addiction treatment centers

During treatment, the love addict will typically be asked to abstain from romantic or sexual relationships for a specified time period. This break allows them to focus on the underlying issues and any co-occurring problems such as drug or alcohol addiction and eating disorders. Because love addiction often stems from childhood abuse or abandonment, trauma work can be an integral part of the treatment plan.

The goals of love addiction treatment include building healthy relationships, setting appropriate boundaries and achieving genuine intimacy. Love addicts learn to move beyond an obsession with romance and fantasy and embrace the realities of mature, authentic love.

Treatment Issues