Bereavement

Bereavement is an experience we must all go through when a death occurs. Someone who was important to us is no longer alive and we must somehow find ways of accepting that. It can help, perhaps, if we think of bereavement as a wound which needs time to heal. This healing process cannot be hurried and affects each of us differently.

It is important that we remember that there is no right or wrong way of grieving for our loss. We need to acknowledge our feelings and express them as we wish, for grieving is itself part of recovery.

Whether death comes suddenly and unexpectedly, or after along illness, it is likely to leave you in a state of shock.

You may feel very numb. Everything may seem unreal as if you’re in a dream. Sometimes the shock itself can carry you through the first few days and enable you to make the practical arrangements about the funeral.

Or you may feel the full impact of your loss straightaway and need help and support from others to deal with practical matters.

The funeral can be an important part of the bereavement process. It offers us a chance to say goodbye to the person who has died, in the company of others who knew them. It can also help us acknowledge our own loss and express our feelings. This is best not avoided for too long, as it is all part of healing and recovery.

How we feel when we are bereaved will depend on our relationship with the dead person and how we felt about them. We may also find that this death awakens feelings within us about other losses in our life.

We may feel angry with the dead person for abandoning us, angry with doctors and nurses or other people we feel might have done more for them. We may even be angry with ourselves for being angry.

We may also feel guilty about things we have done or not done for the dead person. We may feel we could have visited them more, taken more notice of what they were saying or sorted out some quarrel or misunderstanding. We might even feel, in some indirect way, responsible for their death, although there is usually no need to feel guilty.

Bereavement can leave us feeling despondent and deeply distressed.

“At first I just wanted to die and it took me two years to start to feel better. For a long time you wake up and your first thought is that she’s dead.”

Or we can feel detached from everything around us and have difficulty putting our feelings into words. We may experience sleeping problems, a loss of appetite or other physical symptoms. It may be impossible for us to concentrate on daily tasks at work or at home.

Sometimes, however, the only way some of us can cope is to carry on with familiar duties to try and hold our world together.

Very often when people have had a bereavement they find themselves searching for the person who has died, or they hear that person calling to them.

“I kept looking for him and expecting him to come into the room.”

These reactions can be very distressing but often happen. Usually they fade away with time as the reality of the person’s death sinks in.

Coping with the reactions of others can be stressful. We may be tempted to think that people close to us who react differently are not truly grieving. Most people generally prefer to know how someone else feels, and, although it can be hard to talk about our feelings we may need to make an extra effort for the sake of those around us. At times, we may also have to be especially patient to give others a chance to reach the point of being able to express their grief.

People at work or in our neighbourhood may be unsure about what to say to us, and need a little prompting.

We may have to mention the dead person’s name first, but most people will be glad to talk to us about him or her once the initial barriers are broken down.

All the experiences and feelings we have during bereavement will come and go at different times. As healing takes place, they usually become less intense and overpowering.