How Love Addiction Develops
As children, we learn to speak and understand feelings from the adults around us. This is how we construct our emotional intelligence and literacy. If we’re surrounded by unhealthy models or people with their own unresolved hurt and pain from the past, chances are our own needs won’t be met, nor will our emotional literacy develop to its full potential. Usually in these cases, our own sense of being needed or wanted is incomplete. As small children, we may not have the linguistic or cognitive capacity to fully understand what is going on around us; however, our ability to sense things and make assessments accordingly based off of observation is astute. Children can learn quickly in life that in order to be loved, accepted or appreciated they must take care of another person, either physically or emotionally. It’s been said that abandonment is at the core of all addictions. Abandonment doesn’t necessarily have to involve someone physically leaving you. Abandonment and subsequent attachment injuries can result from physical, emotional and sexual violations as well as through a parent or caregiver’s emotional unavailability. Abandonment is traumatic and psychically painful and can leave an empty, gaping “hole” in the pit of our stomach. Many of us try to fill that hole with unhealthy behaviors that can quickly spiral into addictions of various kinds, from drugs and alcohol to sex, shopping, food and relationships.What Love Addiction Looks Like
A common misconception is that codependency and love addiction are one and the same. While there is some overlap between the two, not all codependents are love addicts. Renowned clinician, author and authority on relationships and addictions Pia Mellody has noted that core codependency symptoms manifest as a result of childhood trauma, which leaves individuals stunted emotionally. These symptoms can follow a trajectory that includes any of the following:- Difficulty loving or protecting oneself
- Difficulty identifying who one is and knowing how to share that appropriately with others
- Difficulty with self-care
- Difficulty being appropriate for one’s age and circumstances
- A drive for negative control (either controlling others or allowing oneself to be controlled)
- Carrying resentments
- Impaired spirituality
- Addictions and difficulty with intimacy
