The Early Roots of Co-Dependence
When a former co-worker asked me the question, “How did you get like this?” I was puzzled. “Get like what,” I volleyed back. “So co-dependent.” I rolled back the clock and recalled that even as my folks were role models for resilience in the face of the early deaths of their fathers and mothers, there was little room (at least in my child’s mind) for taking much time to grieve. As much as I know that my mother missed my grandmother who died when I was 4, throughout the rest of her own life, she kept on keeping on, not missing a beat in taking care of us. The verbal messages I received from them included:- “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”
- “What hurts you hurts me.”
- “Don’t let them (boyfriends who initiated breakups) see you cry, since they will know you are vulnerable and take advantage of that.”
- “Walk in like you own the joint.”
- “They put their pants on one leg at a time, just like you do.”
- “Your life is in the hands of anyone who makes you lose your temper.”
- “If that’s the worst thing that ever happens to you, you’ll be ok.”
