Tiger vs. Traffic Jam
Frequently, however, this response gets turned on when we are not in danger. All too often, rage and anger become habitual responses to high-conflict relationships in which our brains perceive psychological or even subconscious threats, or to environments we find stressful, such as shopping in crowded malls or trying to find a parking spot on a rainy Monday with a crying toddler in the backseat. The body’s stress response to the threat of a saber-toothed tiger is exactly the same as its stress response to being cut off in traffic. The adrenal glands do not function differently according to the level of perceived threat. The adrenals trigger the release of adrenaline and cortisol into the bloodstream and this is one reason why it can be hard for people who are sensitive to adrenaline and cortisol levels to calm themselves when they experience a situation they perceive as stressful. But calming oneself is essential to living a psychologically functional as well as a physically healthy life, and it is as good for you as it is for those you care about.How to Change Your Responses
- Recognize what’s happening every time you get angry. You are throwing a tantrum. Yes, some adults throw tantrums, but by and large, tantrums are for young children. It is perfectly reasonable for children to have tantrums because they do not have the brain and nervous system development or the capacity to change their environments when they get hungry or angry or lonely or tired. But you do.
- Write down triggering people, places, and situations. Triggering people, places and situations have the power to make you feel uncertain, unsteady, uncomfortable, unsure of yourself or afraid. These are the things that are likely to make you feel angry, because at the bottom of anger lives fear. Your anger is a defense against fear, so you want to take a good look at what makes you afraid and why. You aren’t trying to avoid these things, but only to look honestly and authentically at these triggers from a place of emotional safety. Go over your list with a therapist or trusted friend. Be gentle with yourself but be certain to maintain the honesty it takes to truly see through to the bottom of these issues. For example, one of your triggers may be a co-worker you don’t know well. You may feel she triggers you, i.e., makes you angry, simply because you don’t like her even though you can’t articulate why. Perhaps you think she’s rude. After looking more closely and honestly at the situation, you might discover that the truth is that your co-worker is attractive and well-liked. These things cause you to feel insecure but rather than acknowledge this painful truth, you have chosen the psychological defense of distrust, dislike and even anger.
- Eliminate all expectations, even the reasonable ones. You may have reasonable expectations that your children sit in their seats and finish their dinner. It is reasonable, but it may not be realistic. Small children can rarely stay seated for long and often have difficulty eating everything on their plates. Don’t set yourself up to become unreasonably angry with your children. You may have a reasonable expectation that your husband throw away the empty milk container after he consumes the last of the milk, and this may even be realistic, but he may still disappoint you. Don’t set yourself up to become unreasonably angry if you know your husband’s habit; practice letting it go.
- If you’ve managed not to behave outwardly on your anger, the next step is to vanquish negative internal dialogue. After a while, you will become good at not losing your cool. Sometimes you might erupt, but the idea is not to beat yourself up when that happens. Just keep moving and keep working. The next step is to release the resentment. Resentment is a broken record of seething anger about a perceived wrong you cannot forgive. But resentment doesn’t hurt anyone but you. Held too long, it will eventually turn destructive. Practice the art of releasing resentments by simply honoring them and letting them go. Imagine a resentment blowing away like a feather and thank it for its willingness to go and leave you in peace.
- Forgive yourself. And simply accept the anger that has dwelled with you for so long, but let it go. It’s time, and you’re ready or else you wouldn’t be reading this.
- Laugh. Laugh at yourself. Laugh at your humanness. Take a lot of deep breaths.
